Thursday, October 25, 2007

Hidden Proposition 4 - Village Stickers (parody)

Town Center Improvement District (TCID) asks Cochran's Crossing resident, Joe Merrill, to pilot new Woodlands Township "Village Sticker" program.
After 11-6, if you voted yes for all 3 props and all 3 props pass, then hidden prop 4 will also pass.
TCID has 'stolen' this program idea from the village of Panther Creek, but have put a spin on it so only Woodlands Township gets credit.
Woodlands Township will create stickers of different shapes, fonts, colors, sizes & paper quality (possibly leather for CW) for each village.
Naturally GM will have the cheapest/smallest quality sticker while CW will have the the more expensive/larger stickers.
If Hidden prop 4 passes ALL residents of Woodlands Township will be required to physically pick up their stickers no later than 11-7-07 at any Woodforest Bank. Stickers will range from $30/set-GM to $180/set-CW and need to be renewed annually. You will need to purchase a set of stickers for each Car or Motorcycle your family owns.
As the below photo (Photo A) shows the sticker in the back window needs to be right in the middle of the window so people behind you can clearly know your status. Woodlands Township will be outlawing rearview mirrors and require that all cars be equipped with side mirrors (Photo B) similar to these which can also be purchased at any Woodforest bank for $300/pair with an $80 instillation charge. The purpose of the back window siticker is to let villages of a higher status pass you at any rate of speed. The front Stickers (Photo C) will need to be placed smack dab in front of your face. As you can see from the photo, the sticker is typed in a way that cars in front of you can easily see your status from their side mirrors. Having the sticker smack dab in front of you is against the law, but Woodlands Township believes knowing where you fit in the community is more important.
Motorcycles will be required to have a full front sticker on each helmet (Photo D) which will also be easy for people to know your village status from their side mirrors. Not shown is that from the inside of the helmet your village status is also visible so that you never forget where you stand in Woodlands Township. The back of the helmet (Photo not shown) will simply need your village sticker so people from a higher status village will know if they can pass you at any rate of speed. As before, Woodlands Township does not care that you will not be able to see out the front of your helmet, status is more important.


Anonymous said...

The stickers also covertly specify the level of service that you can expect from the Montgomery County Sheriff’s Department, the Woodlands’ Township Fire Department EMS, and Woodforest Bank.

If you ride a motorcycle as your only form of transportation and it is not a late-model Harley Davidson with a sticker price of $50,000, it doesn’t matter where you live. You will be issued a sticker on newsprint-quality paper printed with invisible ink. Trust us, it’s really there. You move so much anyway, what’s the point of printing your address on your sticker?

If you are involved in a motor vehicle accident, the Montgomery Co. Sheriff’s Department will issue you a citation, no questions asked. You will not be entitled to plead your case before Judge Sadler or Judge Connelly. You will be considered guilty with no chance of proving your innocence. Additionally, no EMS ambulance will be dispatched to the scene of the accident. If you should die as a result of your injuries, you’re one less “undesirable” to embarrass the Township. If your motorcycle is financed through Woodforest Bank, the entire note will become due immediately.

If you are a Grogan’s Mill resident, you will be issued stickers on recycled “Hello, My-Name-Is” name tags scrawled with black Magic Marker. If you are involved in a motor vehicle accident, the Montgomery Co. Sheriff’s Department will read you your Miranda rights and take a statement from you at the scene. Your case may come up before Judge Sadler or Connelly if it is their day on a monthly rotation basis to hear cases. The Woodlands Township EMS may be dispatched if the firefighters are not involved in a favorite television program. They particularly enjoy the Cartoon Channel and Dude, Pimp my Ride. If your vehicle is financed at the Woodforest Bank, the interest rate on your note will increase by 100%.

If you are a Grogan’s Point resident, you will be issued silk stickers engraved with your monogram. If you are involved in a motor vehicle accident, there will be no change in how the Montgomery Co. Sheriff’s Department conducts an accident investigation. The Woodlands Township EMS will be dispatched in its usual timely fashion. If your vehicle is financed through Woodforest Bank, it will “forgive” up to three payments until you regain your usual earning capacity.

If you are a Carlton Woods resident, you will be issued leather stickers engraved with your indelible address. The Township doesn’t want to lose you! If you are involved in a motor vehicle accident, The Montgomery Sheriff’s Department and the Township’s EMS vehicle will meet you at the accident scene with a Bentley or a Mercedes Benz for you to use as a courtesy until you purchase another new gas-guzzling SUV. If you are unable to drive the courtesy vehicle a driver will be provided for you. If you require immediate medical attention, the Sheriff’s Department vehicle will escort the emergency vehicle to the Memorial Hermann Hospital – The Woodlands, unless your life is in danger in which case, a LifeFlight helicopter will be held on a standby basis. A citation will automatically be issued to the driver of the other vehicle or the pedestrian. If your vehicle is financed at the Woodforest Bank, your note will be forgiven and you will receive a credit increase commensurate with the total of all of your accounts to purchase another SUV.

If you ride a motorcycle or are a Grogan’s Mill resident and you have any concerns about these new changes to your hometown as a result of the creation of the TCID, take them up with your pastor or minister. They may have a scripture you can read on forbearance. If you are a Grogan’s Point or a Carlton resident, please feel free to contact any of the TCID board members. They are available by phone 24/7 to address any inconvenience you may suffer as a result of the passage of proposition 2.

Amber said...

I see. We are currently considering a move into Panther Creek. Should I be prepared to buy a cheap motor bike and carry my own first aid kit or will I at least get a band-aid from a medical professional? Where does that community factor in on the spectrum of affluence?

Anonymous said...

Amber: It depends which part of PC. Even then you are still very low on the list. If you ever need the assistance of the constables or SO's they will most likely sit on scene for hours arguing on who should handle so be prepared to take care of yourself. Don't forget to get your stickers!